bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
