I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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