she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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