Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
sex in a hospital.. check
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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