I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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