Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
