Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
