I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My vagina just recognized that song.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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