i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
