Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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