Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
