The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
