I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
