he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
are you so shy because you have an std?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
