worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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