i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
