I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
This baby is an asshole
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
