My cat gives me a boner
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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