At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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