Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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