To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
