I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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