i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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