found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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