Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
