Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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