It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Randomize
