omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
