You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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