allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
