my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
