Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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