i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
