you turned your livingroom into a bong?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I got inside last night via doggy door
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
