i just sent this text using only my big toe
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
