You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Are we still banned from the library?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Randomize
