I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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