You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
