dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
