You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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