Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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