I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The uberlube is also flammable
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
