I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
