If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
