exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
