Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
