I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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