Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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