So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
