i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
