I faked an abortion last night.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
